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everyone has an addiction. everyone has something.. something that, no matter what happens, they can turn to it. and everyone addiction is as bad as everyone else.
dont fool yoursleves. drugs, alchohol, sex, religion... they're all addictions. all equally as bad as each other. the desire to be loved is an addiction. the need for affection is an addiction too. everyone has their little kicks.... what the do to get through the day. whether your dividing skittles into color order, or your injecting heroin into your veins or your hiding in the laundry room downing litres of vodka. feeling sorry for yourself.... its addictive. maybe they're right. maybe i'm not as bad as i think i am. maybe i do just put up a large, fake front to mask the fact that, in fact, i have nothign to hide. the fact that my worst nightmare is complete normality is a factor in my facade. i cant imagine anything more life-threatening than a completely normal existence. every shred of entertainment in my life depends on my mortality. if this gets any boring boring i'm goign to DIE...i'll simply DIE if this doesn't happen... i'm going to KILL MYSELF if i'm pregnant...it would be simply FATAL if i fail my course....
i long ago stopped caring about anyone but myself. it's easy enough to pretend. it's easy enough to listen and nod and smile, but basically.... self preservation and self improvement is all that matters. i dont give two shits what anyone else thinks. but i care what they do to me.
if you hurt me, be prepared. humiliation and rejection are two things i do not take lightly. if you think you've gotten away with it; you're wrong. i will get you. make no mistake. you will be punished for your actions against me.
Maybe some people are more inclined to monogamy than others. But when you're a teenager, where do the bounds of a relationship lie? And what exactly IS a teen-age relationship? Are the same things expected of us? Can WE expect the same things? And is it a relationship without dates?
Sometimes things are different from the inside. People who vow they'll never do something are often surprised when they're called a hypocrite for doing the exact thing they said they'd never do. Sorry to be vague, but without referring to exact details I cant exactly tell you anything specific.
In drama we've been doing domestic violence. I brought up the issue of violence in teen-age relationships and immediately noticed a few puzzled looks. I could tell these people were thinking "But... teenage relationships CANT be violent... We're too young." Well, if we're old enough for sex, drugs, smoking, drinking kids, and marriage, we're certainly old enough to inflict violence upon each other. It's sad, and I hope that if any of you know of a relationship that is violent, that you do your utmost to try and help the victim. Domestic violence is ASSUALT; it's a criminal offence.
I don't know what else to say. Mehhhhr.
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Betethtinalintin.... why did you eat the cat? And what else have you eaten that you can compare by saying it tasted good?I am worried.
That is all.
The cats want me to set up another drug deal.
Last night, they told me they were out of crack, or heroin, I’m not exactly sure which. Their logic was fairly sound: who would sell crack to a cat? It wasn’t always this easy, giving in to their every demand. Things used to be a lot simpler.
I became a bit concerned at first when they started drinking alcohol. I went to all those websites about how to help your teen and such. I remember being their age and wanting to do all the things I was told not to. All kids rebel, so I figured I would give them some regulated rebellion. They started with beer. The light stuff. Soon it became apparent that beer was no longer giving them the desired result, so I had to switch to hard liquor. The two of them could down a bottle of tequila in a sitting. It would have been quite impressive had they been someone else’s cats. I decided it was time to cut off the liquor, so I threw them into rehab. It worked, for a time.
Next it was marijuana. To me, this was the next logical step in the ladder of rebellion. So I bought a dime bag, and some papers. Of course, I then had to learn how to roll a joint, since they lacked opposable thumbs, which are a necessity for rolling joints. For a while they were content. My food bills sky-rocketed within a week. I never realized cats could eat so many treats! On many an occasion I found one or the other in the kitchen , clawing at the fridge door, desperate to get milk, meat, anything. And then there’s the entertainment. I can recite whole passages from Half Baked and Dazed and Confused. I know the lyrics to most Pink Floyd and Grateful Dead. I had a contact high 24 hours a day.
I don’t know where they got the coke. Maybe that rottweiler next door slipped it to them. Two months ago, I found it in the litter box. What desperation makes a cat hide his drugs in his toilet? He didn’t want me to know, but a mother notices things like that. He doesn’t do anything anymore. Just lays on the floor and stares at the ceiling. I think he started heroin about a week ago. He no longer eats, which has been the only silver lining in this dark cloud of drug abuse.
I tried to explain that drugs were not the answer. That they need find something to live for. I think one of them is coming around to the idea. She passed on grass tonight. I was so happy that I cried. The other one is going into these terrible rages. Last night, he broke my coffee table. I’m becoming afraid of him. What kind of person am I, to be afraid of my own cat?
I feel like one of those people who go on Jerry Springer, even though I swore I would never be one of those people. All I wanted was to raise my family in an honest and caring environment, but obviously I have failed them. And me. I swore I would be a good mother but I failed. I failed.
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